The glass is a little more empty than normal.
For those playing along at home, I've been OS "enjoying" a holiday for the past month. Maybe you've enjoyed a break from my Diatribe (someone else's word, not mine) this past time. I'm not going to revisit old topics, no good could come, but I'm going to tell a story and then I'm going to let you tell me if this opinion piece is dead for good.
At the ending of 2017, much like the end of any year for me, I was thinking about the year ahead and how I'd improve myself. You could call them my new years resolutions. I was reflecting on Mirage and the approaching 5th anniversary of its birth. I was thinking about Mirage could be better and the angles we could approach for the coming years and the people we could help by providing a voice, by promoting them, by continuing to be dedicated to our city above all else, but I was also realising that I felt like I'd lost much of my own voice during the project.
So I thought a weekly thought piece "the glass half full" might provide myself with space for self-reflection and to promote some positive ideas or at least think about things from a different angle. It didn't make much sense (to me) to create an entirely new blog to write these ideas when Mirage seemed so much a part of my own identity, I didn't think our audience would have a problem reading my feelings, much like I'd tried to publish those of so many others.
After a while I grew to look forward to Friday and writing, expressing what was in my head that past week, sometimes being topical, but mostly being emotional, raw and real. Some weeks I wrote about my own mental health journey and the struggles, it felt good to know other people knew and it was beautiful when people reached out to tell me their story.
I even found out my wife was reading them and was able to evaulate an approximate level of my mental health, because surprise surprise, I'm not so good at speaking up when I'm not doing so well.
For 25 of 26 weeks into 2018, I loved my work, for nothing other than the joy it brought me to express myself. Because otherwise, I'd spent so much time trying to express my passion and enthusiasm for so many Novocastrians doing incredible things in this city.
But then it all fell apart.
I'm left wondering what will become of Mirage, post all of this, but I'm also thinking a little selfishly, what will become of me without this piece? I'm shedding a few tears as I write that sentence because I will miss this, even if it will make many others happier that they don't have to read my views (there's a novel idea in that) but that just makes me think of the future of Mirage a little more.
Why bother? Will anyone really care if it all dies and should I feel ashamed that it is all my fault.
I don't know, and it is breaking me up inside. Where did I go so wrong.
I'm sorry, the glass just doesn't feel so half-full right now.