You know that part in the movie Taken, where Liam Neeson is on the phone, and he’s talking to the bad guy about a very particular set of skills he has? I have a very particular set of skills too, I’m very good at self-destructing. I mean I’m sure I’m good at other things too, but this, this in particular I am very good at. There is no inward projection of the negative way I am feeling. Everything just manifests until suddenly it all comes out at once. It’s as though my mind or heart says, I have been hurt by someone, or something, and the only person who can make me feel that way, is me. It’s almost like this undercover sense of micromanagement. That me, and only me, can be the cause of this hurt and I’m going to go down in a blaze of absolute glory. But it never works out that way, there is no glory, only hurt and whilst I am spending time self-destructing I forget that although it’s the only way I know how to handle things, there is shrapnel. A lot of it. Which hurts everyone else around me, and that’s never ever ok.
There are ways to go about things, dealing with things, being the person that you want to be will be forever shaped by your actions and not words. But when that communication is cut off, what do you do then? Words are all I know. So now I guess, I am finally taking the time to feel everything, every single minute. And it’s awful, but it’s time I think. It’s about Showing someone that you care, but most importantly that you know how important they really are to you. Because it’s important, to know when you need support, and that you cannot in fact, achieve everything alone.
A wonderful part of my network lead me on some adventures yesterday evening, starting at Wharf Life at the Brewery (the kids still call it the Brewery Right) ok ok fine ill move with the times, The Queens Wharf Hotel, for some beers, company and sunshine and an unspoken “you’ll be ok” support system. But a few quiet beers manifested into a trek to the Bogey Hole at 2am, feeling every inch of the world around me, talking about music, life and having a small yet significant existential crisis. I think it’s good for the soul every now and then.
Since it is now my apparent aim to never ever wear shoes, I woke up with a sore head, sore feet and sweating as it was already 38 degrees at 6:30 this morning. It’s really all about the little moments that we sometimes can take for granted, and our town is full of them. Hold onto the people around you. And as someone told me once, be kind, because it’s actually pretty cool. I’ve never been to the bogey hole before, but I think I got a pretty good introduction, jumping into the water, a conscious and metaphorical choice to let go of my hangups, and decide to aim for positivity, forgiveness, and fresh starts. The one that we all hope to get. Seeing the waves and the spray illuminated by the moon and my nostalgia of youth, made me take a moment to realise exactly what I wanted, and how I needed to make it happen.
I do believe that things happen for a reason, but I also believe that you need to be at the helm to make it all happen. Falling back on my word for the year - jump, I think I lived by that last night. So I guess this week, I’m working and mending things, getting back on track, and not holding back. Where will you go? What will you be doing around town this week? Where will you explore? That’s what I would love to know.