Similar to the Melbourne Cup that the nation was forced to endure not too long ago, I’m afraid that I too will be beating a dead horse. My first ever article in Newcastle Mirage had the same theme as this one, and only a year later I have run out of ideas and come full circle. But much like my fellow writing colleagues Rowling, Tolkien and that one who wrote The Hunger Games, I’m gunna run my one good idea into the ground. So here we go: six reasons why summer STILL sucks.
1. Bubble-O-Bill ice creams
Now before you get mad and tear this page out to use as toilet paper, my reason for besmirching the good name of this beloved ice cream cowboy is strictly personal. Some years ago I enthusiastically purchased the Streets Ice Cream treat after a long day of being unemployed. As I excitedly opened the packet and took my first bite, I was mortified to discover they had sold me a Bubble-O-Voldemort and robbed me of Bill’s bubblegum nose – the one thing that separates him from some piece of shit rainbow Paddle Pop.
2. Dad bods
Yeah, I’ve got one. BuzzFeed tells me ‘Nine out of ten women prefer men with dad bods’, but I reckon that’s bullshit because I’m a heterosexual male and even I’d rather some ripped bloke. Either way, I hope the whole ‘dad bod’ thing goes away soon so I can stop justifying not eating fruit and veggies.
Why does every summer come with an unwarranted amount of Coca-Cola ads? And why do they always involve a bunch of teens pretending to enjoy sobriety, spraying Coke onto everyone and everything with a reckless disregard for how fucking sticky it will be as it quickly dries in the 40-degree summer sun? Also, Coca-Cola, stop bringing out shitty ‘limited edition’ flavours. And if you must, make these Frankenstein flavours more obvious. I accidentally bought a Coca-Cola GINGER the other day and it tastes like my granddad’s cologne.
4. Summer shit
This is a generic point that includes (but is not limited to): flies, mosquitoes, snakes, sharks, swooping magpies, sunburn, skin cancer, warm beer (I know this was in last year’s list but I really hate it), getting into a hot car, touching the metal bit of the seat belt in the hot car, old people dying from heatstroke, getting sunscreen in your eyes, putting on socks, and basically all the other shit you don’t have to worry about in the more pleasant seasons.
I was going to include this in ‘summer shit’ but I felt it deserved its own point. By the way, I’m talking about the little bastards that get stuck in your feet, not the traditional red dot worn on the forehead by women of the Hindu and Jain religions. Although, if you're of European decent and at a music festival, please stop wearing bindis, even if you have done yoga ‘for like, forever’.
6. It’s too hot
I know this seems like a cop-out for my last point, but I just discovered that my little windowsill cactus, Robert Plant, has shrivelled up and died. And if desert fauna can’t survive, what chance do we have?